About this column:
This week's jokes are from the book by Steven D. Price "1001 Funniest Things Ever Said"Here's comic George Carlin, who died in 2008, talking about drivers. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
Two peanuts walked through a sketchy section of town, and one was assaulted.
Someone in a spelling bee was asked to spell Mississippi."Which one, the river or the state?"
Here's Jerry Seinfeld: There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn.Men think: 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
Did you hear about the office worker who ran out of sick days, so he called in dead? OR A boss asks a younger employee: Do you believe in life after death?Employee: Oh yes.Boss: Good, because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she called to talk to you.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive? —Roseanne
The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4 a.m. —Charles Pierce
Jay Leno, on John Ashcroft when he was attorney general of the U.S. "According to the L.A. Times, Ashcroft wants to take 'a harder stance' on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy!How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What—are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair?"
We were so poor, my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed. —Chris Rock
They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance? —Ronald Reagan
